As I've stated on my other blog, I'm a fan of Stargate SG-1, and given that it's been sort of cancelled, fanfic is more important than ever. This morning I came across 5 Things Sam did while separated from her teammates by rebeccavoy over there. Admittedly, Rebecca is one of my favorite authors on FanFiction.net, but this one, specifically, number five, stopped me in my tracks and kinda gave my day a less than ideal start.
She was using him, a rebound from an entire life, and it saddened her that under other circumstances – better circumstances, her guilty mind shot back at her – she never would have looked at him twice. And what’s more, she knew that if the call came, if she was summoned back to the gate, she would leave him in a heartbeat, and would never even think to look back. Full text here.
Which is when it hit me. Am I having a rebound life? Not even just because of what I lived through with Earl, but the patterns of reasonating violence and abuse that have haunted me for the last roughly seventy years. Yes, I know, I don't LOOK 70, but I'm accounting for my last life here in the total. One that I remember all too clearly, especially given that up until six years ago, it was functionally identical to the last one.
So am I going throught the motions of a life, marking time, waiting for my real life to call me back? Am I, as that Carter, from that broken time line, just keeping my head down staying out of the way because what I had is over? Is this, effectively my third lifetime in the last 71 years, a rebound lifetime? Am I settling, just existing because I'm tired and feel cheated? Feel lost in ways?
There, I said it. I admitted it might be possible. I don't believe so, but I will admit that some of the old zest I had, the fire in my belly so to speak, has been quelled by combat fatigue, and the overwhelming feeling that I've been screwed. Really. So I can relate to Sam's feelings in this piece. Time and space conspired to land me here, and I'm just not playing anymore. For the first time in more than a century, I'm focusing on myself. Devoting the passion and energy I once lavished on anyone and everyone (except me) to me for a change. Admittedly I'm still healing, I'm still bitter some, still angry some, and still lost some.
But it's changing, I'm changing, and I'm watching as the world is changing. Waiting for the day when I again feel strong enough to go for more. I remain conscious however of the passage of time, the maelstrom of linearity bearing down on me. Ironically, one of my favorite meditations, if you could call it that, takes place on a completely different world, not even in the same part of the Galaxy as Earth. I run there, I retreat there, when I'm faced with more than I feel like dealing with here. Why? Because the pace of life there is more sedate, the environment as different as you can get on another planet that supports human life. Because it is completely safe. And after what I've been through, SAFE is one of the most important words in my vocabulary. Which in and of itself is a bit scary. For the better part of the earlier life in this lifetime, LOVE was the most important word, and the driving force in my existence. Now I'm all about being safe.
I can't believe how much this hurts.
Honestly this only just struck me. From LOVE to SAFE, oh dear God, what have I become. I know God hasn't abandoned me, that much is clear, but I'm a shallow reflection of the amazing creature I used to pretend to be. I know, deep down, all of me is still there, and that caricature of a person I used to play is a ghost of who I am when I'm whole, but how can I be sure, not having been whole in more than a century. When does playing to the room become settling into a "B" movie supporting role?
How do I get back to being the leading lady of my own existence? How do I get back to being that person I once was, long, long, before the last cycle of lives started 116 years ago? Yes, I'm 116 that I'll admit too. Realistically it's the count of linear temporal years since last I was ascended. That however is a story for another day I'd say. And no, I'm not crazy, I just remember more say than most folks do between incarnations.
And right now I'm tired.
However it's now more than "good enough" to be going as fast as I can go. And for all the tears today and tonight, it wasn't a complete waste. But I'll talk about that over on the other side.